Sunday Worship: Instagram

I've always been overly obsessed with the Iphone but when they went ahead and pulled this Instagram business out of nowhere, I knew my loyalty could never falter.  My friend Jenny told me I HAD to download it and since she is always full of truth, I followed her orders.  I'm especially grateful for it today because it has a way of making my life look much cooler than it actually is.  Currently, it is 3pm on a Sunday.  I am covered in Spray Tan and am wearing a full grey sweatsuit and a red pair of socks I got for free during a flight on Virgin Atlantic.   You ain't gonna find that magic on Instagram.  Or are you...

For those of you with a Nokia phone or who are not familiar with Instagram's capabilities, here's an example of what it can do.  You simply upload a photo of yourself, choose a filter, and VOILA!...

So to Instagram, I write this hymn...

I woke up this morning

Feeling a little bit rough

I've got to keep up my image

but today it's gonna be tough

 

All my followers are waiting

As they scroll through their feed

Photos of babies, vacations,

And quotes of how to succeed

 

But how can I contribute

When I'm doing nothing at all

but watching Dr. Phil reruns

Waiting for someone to call?

 

Thats when a lightbulb flashed on

I knew just what I should do

My mom said anything is possible

When you have X Pro II

 

I found a great old photo

With nice makeup and hair

But... wait...SH*DFJKHL*ADSLK*JDHI!!!!

It won't fit in the square!

 

So on to option B

It's sure as hell to be a winner

So without further adieu

Here's what I'm having for dinner...

 

AMEN

 

*And if you want to follow me on Instagram and see tons of pictures of how glamorous and exciting my life is, my name is @danikabrysha 

 

 

 

 

Five Things I Know For Sure...

In an age of uncertainty, it's nice to know there are some things you can count on.  Here are five things I know for sure... 1.  No matter what, my car will always smell like sour milk

2.  That the "double bra" phase (yes, two bras layered on top of each other) that I recently went through seemed like a good idea at the time.

3.  That my retainers will never fit comfortably again

4.  That the website www.babyrazzi.com may or may not be on my bookmarks bar

5.  That my dad's dream of me becoming a professional shot-putter isn't in the near future.  I'm not saying it won't happen, just not any time this week.

Have a great weekend!

Style: White Bodycon Dress

I think one of the greatest things that a woman with curves can do is flaunt them.  Years ago when I struggled with my body image and size, I did my best to cover the parts of my body I saw as "imperfections".  I'd often wear baggy dresses that had no shape and I felt self conscious regularly.  It took me a while to get to a point when I really started loving the body I was given, and gaining confidence in the fact that though I may not have seen women like me in the magazines and on TV, it didn't mean I couldn't look beautiful or sexy.

When I saw this dress I remained hesitant but forced myself to try it on anyways.  I had been shopping for a dress for a party and though I knew this wouldn't be for the event, I loved the shape and style of it.  Something that you should know about me is that I'm in love with Spanx.   The particular pair I am wearing in this photo is nude colored and goes from right below my bra line to just above the knee.  One of the best things I can recommend for a curvy woman while shopping is to Bring.Your.Spanx.  I often wear heels too.  If you can love something in that horrible dressing room lighting then you can love it anywhere!

My style can be all over the place but with something as classic as this all white dress, I prefer to keep things simple.  A dress like this definitely calls for the "less is more" attitude.

Dress- Reality, Shoes- Woodies by Jeffrey Campbell, Necklace- St. Eve Jewelry, Lip Color- MAC Russian Red

Photographer:  Stefan Brysha

Location:  Lido Island, Newport Beach, CA

MONDivation

I have a bad habit of talking about the things I'm going to do rather than just doing them. I think I tell people because it gives me a sense of accountability but I've learned that action trumps all of that.

I've told many people that I am going to start blogging again.  That I will soon launch my new website.  That I am a writer.  That I will one day be a top plus size model.  That I will have my own talk show.  That if I give myself a voice and use the talents I possess, that it will only help me to further achieve the goals I've set out for myself.

And so I've forced myself to start.  And I have no doubt in my mind that I will look back on July 9th, 2013 and be happy I started.  You can hold me to that.

Happy Monday!

Sunday Worship- Spanx

At some point in the last couple years I graduated from one pair of nude colored, shorts-style Spanx to having a drawer of them fuller than the one holding my padded bras and sorority T-shirts.  Some people go to a therapist to keep themselves in order and feel their best... I wear Spanx.  Please join me in saying a hymn for one of the saints in my life...

Dear Spanx:

I can't thank you enough

Without you I'd be a mess

I'm reminded of your beauty

In my bodycon dress 

 

I would do anything for your love

Like a fraternity pledger

People are starting to catch on

Like Lululemon and Herve Leger 

 

But no one can replace you

How you look at me is so cute

And I love those little hot pockets

You leave loosely for my glutes

 

Celebs even love you

Think of all those hot bodies you wrap

Like Kim, Eva, and Beyonce

And that girl from Parent Trap

 

My days can be challenging

But you make life so worth living

I can binge eat Chipotle

And you're still so forgiving

 

So I stayed home from the gym

Eating Doritos on the couch

But you didn't hold it against me

And still smoothed my belly pouch

 

When I last checked your site

I just couldn't believe it

You now make Spanx for Men!

I'm sure he really needs it

 

 

You suck everything in tightly

And make a perfect package out of me

Like those genius Vacuum Bags

I always see on QVC

 

When I have to look sexy,

You're somebody I can rely on

It's the most love I've ever felt

For a blend of Lycra and Nylon

 

So here in conclusion

From my perfectly shaped thigh

Keep up all the hard work

You're a hell of a guy!

 

Amen.

Phone Contacts Storage

I've come here today to teach all of you a valuable lesson.  I have previously discussed cell phone etiquette with you, but in a day when space and time is of peak importance, it is crucial that when we need to make a call, we can navigate our contacts with ease and practicality.  As an example, I have taken some of my phone contacts and am sharing with you the most ideal way of organizing them so that when you need one, it can be easily at your fingertips...

1. BY BAR/RESTAURANT/FRATERNITY NAME...

        

2. BY WHAT BENEFIT THEY COULD BE TO YOUR CAREER...

    

3.  SO YOU CAN FIND THEM WHEN YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING...

  

*At what point does a person you hitchhiked with turn into a person you can regularly call for a ride?

4. BY DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTICS...

    

*If you're wondering why he is called "Blaze Picture Guy" it is because he kindly texted me these photos of himself the next morning for a refresher...

  

... I won't be mad if you want to save that middle one to your desktop.

5. BY ANIMAL OR OBJECT...

   

6. BY LOCATION...

  

7. SO YOU KNOW NOT TO PICK UP...

  

*Raul:  In college my loving friends gave my number to a group of 11 year old boys at the Winter X-Games.  Raul must have taken a liking to me because he would call to chat at various points throughout the day.  I don't think 11 year olds should have cell phones. When I was 11 I had a Tamagotchi and a Baby G watch.

*I left Princeton's phone number visible because I'm sure he would love a few extra customers.  Feel free to call but just know that once you do, there is no turning back.

7. BY DATING SITE...

 

Note: David Match is different from David Match Texas, I checked the numbers.

8. HONORABLE MENTION...

  

*"Young" in no way refers to somebody of a lower age number.  "Young" does however refer to a man I met while driving on Hollywood Blvd. that invited me to the Grammy's with him and 108% did not have tickets to the Grammy's.

MORAL OF THE STORY:  If you're not going to be able to recall who a person is or how you know them, then chances are you probably don't need to be storing them in your phone.

For more info on this topic please click here...

MONDivation

I'm a big believer in positive energy and the idea that we have the power to draw things to us if we truly want them.  Some may think it's cheesy but I have a vision board with some of my favorite quotes, photos, and anything that inspires me, and I read it daily.  Mondays are always a little tough so some weekly Monday motivation seemed like a great routine to start, and I know exactly the quote I want to use.

When I recently decided I needed to get back into writing/blogging again, I had gone through several month of what I guess I would call neutrality.  I was happy and things were good but I found myself at a place where I wasn't quite sure what my next step should be towards achieving the many goals I've set out for myself.  After what felt like ages of contemplation and brainstorming, I started writing and building content for my new site, and one by one, things started clicking into place.  I've started taking Hosting and Improv classes, moved to a great new apartment just steps from the beach, am taking efforts to grow my modeling career, and finally feel like I have an avenue to truly express myself.  I feel inspired and passionate and I know the road ahead is bright.  I've never been so excited!

Whatever your rare talent is, take it for all it's worth and be a ROCK STAR!

Happy Monday

Sunday Worship: Ferrari Clothing

Sunday is the Lord's day.  A day to give back and be thankful for those things in life that we truly appreciate.   So what better time is there to write a hymn about something I truly worship?

This week I have been especially thankful for men who wear Ferrari Brand clothing...

To Juan:

It was another night out,

bored with men at the bars

But then I saw the passion in your eyes

for dollar bills and fast cars

 

You approached me so sultry,

Never seen a man so bold

And then like a sign from above,

I saw that emblem in Gold

 

The way that Ferrari logo laid

ever so gently across your pec,

You clearly had drive and true passion,

and a large pay check

 

We talked about cars,

I told you about my 92' Suburban

You quickly changed the subject

to your cousin who's Persian

 

You were so modest the whole time,

I probably sounded like a brat

And without further adieu,

you slipped on a matching red hat

 

We talked about driving down the coast,

and how much you loved Cali'

Images of love flashed through my head,

like when Harry met Sally

 

So I chugged that shot of Smirnoff

and finished your beer

"It's time to bump and grind,

lets get out of here"

 

You paid the valet ticket,

as I knew you could afford

And then out of nowhere I saw it...

your Honda Accord!

 

As they handed you your keychain,

with a lanyard that said "Juan"

I realized I too could have that shirt,

for $18.93 here on Amazon

 

Amen.

  

Style: Electric Blue Romper

I've always loved fashion but I had a hard time while growing up finding clothing that fit me well.  I remember when the upper arm bracelet was in style and the only way that was happening was if I used a headband or a belt.  Working in the fashion industry has shown me how many options are out there for whatever your body shape may be, and trying on outfit after outfit has taught me what flatters my body best.  I may not be the most stylish person in the world but I know what works for my body and who better to show you than than the girl who tries on clothes all day and watches the professionals as they style it to perfection?

I am 5'10 and I wear a size 12/14.  I usually go for the 14 unless it is something that sits at my waist like a skirt or high waisted jeans or a certain style of dress, as my waist is rather small compared to my hips and ba-donk.  Everyone's body shape is different, but for me personally, belts have become my new best friend, I wear heels almost always (which usually puts me well above 6 feet), and I prefer things with sleeves.  We all have our little preferences and if we feel confident and comfortable in what we are wearing, then nobody should make us feel otherwise!

 I saw this romper on Gilt and had to have it.  A bright blue is one of my favorite colors to wear and I liked that the pleats of fabric in front appeared forgiving.

As some of you may know, rompers are a bit risky when you are tall like me but fortunately, the extra fabric was on my team when it came to cameltoe protection.  Is it even socially acceptable to say "cameltoe" out loud?  I don't care.  Cameltoe.

It came with a black belt but I chose to change it up a bit with this snakeskin one by Steve Madden.  I paired it with sky high tan pumps as they make the legs appear longer and I thought the bright all-over blue was loud enough to keep the shoe neutral.

Electic Blue Romper- Dolce Vita;  Tan Pumps- Sam Edelman;  Belt- Steve Madden

Photography: Ashley Barrett Hair and Makeup: Stephanie Lizabeth Location: Playa Del Rey, California

*Just a note:  I have no intention of photoshopping or retouching my body to look smoother, thinner, firmer, etc. in my personal photos that I put up within blog posts.  I think it is important to realize that we all have imperfections and they're not something to be ashamed of.  Maybe if I have a giant booger on my forehead or something like... well... no, I'd DEFINITELY leave that.

Graduation Attire

My friend Lindsay Diamond, who is not a pornstar, graduated from FIDM (Fashion school) this past weekend.  A group of friends and I decided we'd go to the ceremony and support her but we knew we needed some pretty sweet swag if we were going to do this right.  My friend asked if we should make a poster.  That was funny.  I immediately knew that everyone needed a neon T-shirt and that I would handle the rest.

I have a new obsession with photoshop.  I have spent countless hours lately watching tutorials on youtube, trying them out myself, epically failing, and starting over.  And though I have yet to learn how to give myself a six pack, fuller hair, or a peg-leg, I am becoming rather successful at cropping myself and my closest friends into way cooler situations than Cabo Cantina on a Wednesday night.

And this was the result...

Now, Lindsay and her mother have two of the most severe ADHD cases I've seen in a living human, or for that matter a goldfish.  As a result, these are the best group photos we managed...

**Lindsay's mom asked that I use my photoshop skills to glam her up a bit as well and since "moms know best" I knew I had to obey

I'm available for all your political campaigns, Quinceañeras, and Speed Dating events.  See the above booking tab for more information.

Congrats to all the recent graduates of 2012.  Now go get a job.

New Roles You'd Be Perfect For...

My acting career sure looks bright...

TWO Hookers (one "very sweet"), a waitress, a dead woman, and a nondescript young female who's cool with things that may or may not be emotionally disturbing.

Can't wait to see what the other 30 are.

True Blood Premiere Party

 Last week I was invited to attend the True Blood Season Five Premiere and Party.

Before I started modeling full time, I worked as a production assistant on True Blood during seasons three and four and absolutely loved it.  Even though I spent  80 hours a week making coffees, telling grown men to lower their voices, and counting how many ice cubes I put in a Pellegrino, I utterly enjoyed every minute of it and my coworkers became my family.  When my old boss asked if I'd be her date to the event I was so excited!

The night started at the Arclight Theater in Hollywood where we saw the first episode of Season Five.  I can't say much but I will tell you that it was awesome and naked... as usual.  After the screening we all walked next door to a new club called Lure.  There were dancers, trays of drinks and food, and loads of sexy people everywhere.  I rarely get to go to these kinds of events so I needed to look H-O-T.

 I ordered this dress from Rent the Runway, even though the earliest it could arrive was the day of the event.  I wear a size 12/14 and the largest they had was a 12 (not a fan of this) so I ordered it anyways.  It was a tad too tight, a bit short, and the open sleeve style accentuated my ravishing armpits.  I've always had a great experience with Rent the Runway though and I sent it back for a full refund which they happily awarded me.  I had bought a few backups at Loehmann's though and ended up wearing a long-sleeve, curve hugging, red dress by A.B.S.   I ended up happy, confident, and comfortable all night.  Alexander Skaarsgard was all over me.  He can be so suffocating at times.  Ok that didn't happen.

Check out some of the photos I took with the cast and crew below...

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Tune into HBO this Sunday, June 10th, 2012 for the Season Five Premiere of True Blood

The Family Christmas Photo

(Originally published: December 25, 2010)

You didn't think I was gonna write another blog did ya?  Wellllllll I DID!   What can I say, holidays do that to me....

  

Most families have one tradition they still hold dear to their hearts.  My friend Carissa's family sits down annually to discuss their life goals.  Her dad brings out a list of what they had discussed the year before and they then converse for the most part regarding why they still haven't achieved the previous years goals.  She says it is humiliating and self-depricating every year but it will never end.  My friend Caroline's family goes to church every Sunday together and then watches the Eagles game.  My family and I have two vodka grapefruits before we go out to El Ranchito three times a week for the Tortilla soup deal.

Regardless of where you're from, there is one tradition that has swiffered the nation and taken all of America with it in its Wet Jet.

And that is the Family Photo Christmas Card.

You'll be happy to hear that my skills for rhyming on Hump Day (and basically any day of the week) are built into my genetics.  My mom includes a poem with a stanza or two about each member of the family along with every photo greeting.  It truly is magical.  You know what I like to say... make the yuletide gay...

Here are a few of the top Brysha Photos over the last 25 years...

1990

I am using this photo first because I really have nothing bad to say about it.  It truly is the epitome of Christmas Card gold.  My older brother Blake's short suit is fashionable to the nine's.  Dad, Andre has an impeccable mustache to face ratio.  Baby Stefan looks drunk which you'll notice will reemerge in his later years.  Mom, Cindi is ever so delicately displaying the matching metallic silver sleeve bows.  And me... well... I have a double chin.  But that is something I learned to work with over the years...

1997

This year my mom decided to accentuate our gorgeous features with a little bit of blush and lipstick.  "Awwww, C'mon kids... no one will notice".  I can't tell if Blake managed to skip out on the lipstick or not.  I'll tell you one thing though, he definitely didn't skip out on the hair gel.  Little Stefan was too young and vulnerable to know the difference and was left looking like a gay ventriloquist.  I must note that this is before Crest Whitestrips and photoshop so any special touches had to be done on the actual day.  Speaking of special touches, cool Santa Hat Danika.... totally original.  I can't blame that one on my mom.

2004

Oh 2004, you were so good to me.  This marked the year they removed my braces and the first year I'd seen my collar bones in a while.  I thought that pink halter-ish top was really flattering and sexy and I remember wearing it to all the parties.  It went really well with my Smirnoff Green Apple Twist.  I'm almost angry that my parents didn't force us to wear Christmas colors.   I remember that we were in Las Vegas at the time and I'm pretty sure we had procrastinated taking our holiday photo until just before the actual day.  We had been out at the mall and there was a store of decoratively lit Christmas trees you could purchase for your mansions.  It seemed like a smart idea.  We would definitely be more respected around the community with a tree like that.  On another note, standing in a Christmas tree store in a Las Vegas, Nevada mall for two hours kind of kills the elaborate tree buzz I had going.

1988

This looks like something they would use on True Hollywood Story: Before They Were Serial Killers.  Bet you can't guess who the killer would be.  It's cool though.  Anytime you put a red satin cumber-bun on a 2-year-old with some classic Reebok hightops, you're alright in my book.

2001

We decided to be very patriotic this season.  The American flag doesn't look strategically placed at all... I might as well have worn it behind my ear but then where would I have suspended those gorgeous brown on top/blonde on the bottom locks.  Today people call this style ombre; in 2001 they called in Hanson brother.  Stefan looks like an asshole here.  I don't know why but I really want to slap him.  Probably because he was going through his prime... and it's pretty safe to say I wasn't.

1993

  

It looks like this is the year they realized that Stefan was the golden ticket and placed him accordingly on a throne amongst the peasants.  I'm digging the matching pajamas.  Almost as much as I'm digging that phenomenal dinosaur wrapping paper.

2000

Bra Strap Headband? Check.  Pooka Shell Necklace?  Check.  This was our first California Christmas.  The backdrop is very nice but taking the family picture in public places is always a little uncomfortable.  It reminds me of the time when I tried out for America's Next Top Model and I had to have my dad take bikini shots of me out on the public yacht club dock.  Not scarring at all.  Side note:  Blake would have been really successful in West Hollywood at this point in life

1996

To be completely honest with you, I don't think this was ever actually our Christmas card but there was no way I wasn't going to feature a gem like this.  The bowl cuts were very prominent this year.  I especially like how mine touches down and ever so gently sweeps my bifocal frames.  There are two people that deserve most of the credit here though.  #1 is that drunk man who is just trying to pay the bills who somehow managed to balance a family of five on his lap.  And #2 well... It's a pretty bold statement to rock a turtleneck and overalls combo to the mall with matching contrast fanny pack but you gotta do what you gotta do.  Purses were so 95'.

2009

Last year is when my parents started getting a little cocky and inserting themselves into the image.  They'd been hitting the gym and golf course a lot more and decided they were in peak physical condition to gain a place on the card.  Grandpa took the picture, which was a challenge in itself but it turned out nicely.  This year they even have their own solo shot on the inside of the card.  Maybe by next year us kids will be extinct and they'll be GTL'ing somewhere in Miami.  Who knows.

1991

This is perfect.  There is nothing I would change.  Why the Pert Plus offers didn't start spilling in for Stefan after Christmas Card 91' is beyond me.

1999

Oh Jesus.  I don't know where to start here.  This is the final Christmas we spent on Long Island, NY before we moved across the country to Southern California.  I'm assuming Stefan was going with the tropical, California theme with the pineapple shirt.  It is really the only logical explanation I can come up with as to why my parents would allow something like that.  Blake really started blossoming into a young man here.  You can tell by his mock turtleneck, eyebrows, and business professional gaze.  We had to only take horizontal pictures this Christmas because I had a broken ankle.  My cast was neon pink with blue stripes and all my BFFFFFF's signatures.  The cast was cool but even better was when I graduated to the orthopedic black plastic and velcro walking boot.  It really went well with that gorgeous lip gloss and half pony.  Did I mention my parents moved me ACROSS THE COUNTRY halfway through 7th grade with acne, a retainer, a training bra, and a god damned walking boot? Oh ok... I did.

2006

If this blog post had a Facebook profile page, this would be the Default.  I only put this one up to remind you that like a diamond in the rough, we can come together about once every two decades and take a decently attractive picture.  (P.S. Blake- nice shirt choice.  Not distracting at all)

1993

If I were my parents I would have 100% cropped Blake and myself out of this image and just sent out the pure perfection that is little Stefan.  Look at those penny loafers.  Pretty sure this was the year that Christmas and School photos fell around the same time and also the same year that I fell into a bush of poison ivy.  Notice how my right eye is swollen shut like I'm winking at you......  Well I'm not.

2007

It has always amazed me how we managed to stay warm while hanging out in that icy and frosty forest...

1995

I truly cannot decide whether Blake's decision to open his mouth or my decision not to is better in this image.  Nothing says holiday spirit better than that smart ass attitude I have smeared across my face.  I was probably angry they wouldn't just send out a solo shot of me.

Note to Readers:  Blake's head did eventually grow into his teeth

1998

There is a fine risk when you decide to include the family dog in the Christmas Picture because it often gives you a lot less to work with.  Most families just keep the focus on the children and if the dog makes some slightly crooked eye contact then that works out but is not necessary.  Looks like we went a different route.  Everyone looks a little rough (Stefan's back with the drunk look), but Kodi the dog looks so perfect he could be a wax version of himself.  Sacrifices my friends.

1989

Even though Stefan was by far the cutest of all of us, I have never found babies to be attractive until they near the age of 2 so I am voting him off the island on this one.  I think my mom used the same bowl to cut Blake's hair that she used to cut my bangs.  I also think it would be epic to take a Christmas card today of all of us in the same outfits and positioning.  Dad?  Is it too late?

2003

Last... and certainly most amazing.  Yes as a matter of fact those are two white doves.  One resting ever so delicately on Stefan's shoulder, the other mid flight balancing on his thumb.  Something you should know about Stefan is that for the first 12 years of his life he was obsessed with magic.  He was actually really good.  Good to the point that as a family we were forced to move beyond your standard slight-of-hand card tricks.  At some point Stefan got these two doves and named them Siegfried and Roy, naturally.  He would make them appear from things and it was truly a hit for the first couple months.  All they did was quack (?) and poop everywhere and so we eventually gave them to our cleaning ladies who, I feel pretty confident in saying, roasted them for Christmas dinner.  But at least we're keeping with the theme...  Another important side note is that Siegfried on the left there decided Stefan's suit was the perfect place to let a load off.  God Bless Photoshop.  There are obviously other issues with this photo but I'm pretty sure they don't need to be discussed in any further in detail.

I hope everybody has a MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Hit Me On My Celly

(Originally published: November 12, 2010)

Don't get me wrong.  I am very happy to live in a time when we have cell phones.  I constantly find myself reflecting on the days when, if in an emergency, I was picked up from Catholic Church Day Camp by my friend Annie's mom's minivan rather than our own white Dodge, Annie's mother had to know the secret password before I got in.  I get in more strangers cars today on the corner of Sunset and La Brea than I ever did as a child.  If you are 18 years old, Persian, and driving your parents Bentley, it is a sure fire way to get me in the vehicle and take me to whatever destination you please.  I'm going off on a tangent though...

There are a lot of cell phone issues that everyone experiences but no one talks about openly.  Gone are the days when the one kid at your private school had a Nokia and you could borrow it to check up on the status of your stay-at-home mother.   Gone are the days when I wouldn't notice if you picked me up an hour late from my International Club Meeting because I was too busy beating my high score on Snake.

Anyways, here are just a few things I've picked up in my last 8 years of having cell phone service...

1. ENDING THE CALL: No matter what I do or how hard I try to not be socially awkward, every single time I hang up a phone call with somebody it is uncomfortable.  Even if we talk on the phone everyday, it is that final moment where we both say "Ok, yeah, alright, sounds good, talk to you soon, ok, haha, laugh out loud, i love you, bye" that gets me every time.  You cannot NOT interrupt each other.

2. BLUETOOTHS (BLUETEETH?): There was a period of about 11 months recently where people insisted on wearing their bluetooth ear pieces out in public settings.  Mostly men but in some cases a female strolled into the elevator with the apparatus.  My friend Rick used to wear his around in college like he had a lot of business calls to take.  He's really hot so I forgive him for it but it's really not acceptable.  My favorite is when you see seemingly homeless people with bluetooth's in their ear.  I don't know if they are trying to trick me into thinking they have a marketing meeting with Google at 3:00 or if they just flat out stole it. Regardless, it just isn't that cool.  Also, people may think you are talking to yourself, or worse; you could appear through your semi-tinted Mini SUV window to be quietly singing Evanescence to yourself while eating a Yoshinoya Beef Bowl.

3. FAKE PHONE CALL:  You have all done this.  I know you have. You're headed into Trader Joe's on a warm happy day.  You're feeling good since you just listened to Jason Derulo's "Ridin' Solo" on repeat for the last 30 minutes.  Then you see them.  Clipboard and a Smile.  You're still about 5 yards away and you can hear them talking about battered women, legalizing marijuana, and homeless children.  You have to act quickly. You pull out your cell and put it to your ear.  "Hello".... "Yeah"... (silence).  Just keep holding the phone there.  They'll never know.  Don't release until you get to the Hummus section.  All Good!  Interesting how that same person calls right back when you're on your way out...

4. SILENCE:  I really don't do well with silence.  Especially in conversations.  I'm also not a very big chatting on the phone kinda gal.  I expect all phone conversations to come with a direct purpose and then end as soon as possible.  I've noticed recently, as I have been talking to men about a decade older than me, that they like to take that mature step above texting and use an actual phone call to get to know one another.  That's the problem though.  There is no warning.  I am caught off guard, and considering we don't know each other we don't really have a ton to discuss.  Enter the silence. .......(Me): "Soooooooooo..... Yeah... Well thanks for calling"  (Guy): yeah... (me): so I guess we'll talk soon... (Guy): yeah... [Now is when you reference #1 above]

5. THE "IS MY PHONE BROKEN?":  This is that occasional time when you really have to question your social standing and friendships.  You're going along with your day as usual.  You hit Starbucks on your way into work and you've just updated your facebook status about how hard kickboxing was this morning.  You shoot a text to about 8 of your closest friends.  Some about the Argentinean guy whose house you spent the night at last night, some notifying your friend to get on ichat for the day, and other's talking about how hot your boss looks in plaid.  Then...a couple minutes pass.  Nothing.  5 Minutes pass.  Then 10.  Then it hits you.  Your initial thought... "Is my phone broken?".  "There is absolutely no way that not one of these 8 people are answering my texts".  "Maybe I don't have service in this room".  "It's just weird cause I always have service in this room".  After the initial thought process you have two options.  You could contact your phone carrier but that would take really long and your phone is probably "broken".  AH HA!! You text that ONE person that you KNOW by default will always text you back ASAP.  You put this to the test and immediately receive back a witty comment from SuperTexter Caitlin H.  You are happy she replied.  You knew she would.  It must be all your other friends who have broken phones.  How Ghetto.

Please Stop Asking This Question

(Originally published: November 4, 2010)

I hate when people ask me what kind of music I like.   If they ask me that initially, I know it’s not going to work out between us.   It is a sure fire way that you will be judged and placed accordingly.  It is similar but not directly related to someone asking your Astrological sign.  If you are someone that is going to judge our compatibility based on me being the “twin” and you are the “scorpion” (Is a scorpion a sign or is that Chinese New Year?) we clearly have different interests in life.

It’s not that I don’t like music.  Music is nice.  It is just that the question of asking what kind of music I like is so critical.  It’s up there with asking me which Hanson brother was hottest.  Can’t I just be honest and say my Pandora is still set to J-Kwon’s Tipsy and call it a day?

I don’t even know what this question means.  There are so many variations and ways to answer it.  What song do I most commonly enjoy karaokeing to?  What kind of music did I lose my virginity to?  What kind of music do I pretend to like to impress whatever person I am trying to impress?

This question is usually asked by someone who listens to some hip, underground, alternative group that no one listens to and frankly isn’t even good.  At work, I have made the conscious decision to never be the one whose laptop plays our 16-hour a day soundtrack in the office.  It’s a lot of pressure and god only know that with my luck my iTunes will get stuck on something like Dashboard Confessional.

I think people should listen to whatever music tickles them in that special way…

On that note I’d like to include a playlist that I like to live my life by and that you should probably listen to:

1. Bed Intruder Song- Antoine Dodsen  Bed Intruder Song
2. Cameltoe- FannyPack
3. Teardrops on My Guitar- T. Swift… because no matter how old you are you have sat and listened to this song and imagined the person in your life who caused all those teardrops that stained your new guitar… kidding… kind of
4. Teach Me How to Dougie- Cali Swag District
5. Milkshake- Kelis
6. That’s Not My Name- The Ting Tings… only because I used to pretend I was a Victoria’s Secret model in front of my mirror repeatedly to this song
7. Graduation (Friends Forever)- Vitamin C
8. Play- David Banner… The lyrics just always tug at my heartstrings
9. My Dick- Mickey Avalon…. This goes out to my friend Val…
10. The Theme Song to Full House
11. Blue (Da Ba Dee)- Eiffel 65
12. Summer Girls- LFO… I remember thinking this song was so cool cause it had the words “Abercrombie and Fitch” in it… I know you did too
13. Mambo #5- Lou Bega… I rewrote this song with lyrics about my cheerleading team in 6^th grade and performed it for everyone at practice.  So that’s comfortable.
14. Stay- Lisa Loeb
15. Who Let the Dogs Out- Baja Fresh Men
16. Empty Apartment- Yellowcard… I used to listen to this in high school when I wanted to pretend I was emo and had a lot of serious life issues to deal with.
17. Who’s That Girl- Eve… I liked to play this in my headphones while on family trips and pictured myself owning the Newport Beach sidewalks with paw print tattoos on my chest
18. Purple Pills-Eminem… Same scenario.  Family Road Trip.  Had no idea what it was about.
19. The Day I Fall in Love-  This is the song from Beethoven’s 2^nd when Ryce gets a ride from Taylor Devereaux in his convertible after school and she is so speechless she has to run up to her bedroom and collapse onto her bed with only Beethoven to console  her.
20. Trapped in the Closet- R. Kelly…

But seriously, what kind of music do you like??

Halloween Part 2: My Roommate Meghan

(Originally Published: November 1, 2010)

Because I am obsessed with Halloween and today is the only day that I can still get away with posting more Halloween paraphenelia, that is what I am going to do.

This weekend I took a very last minute road trip from LA to San Francisco with some friends for no good reason whatsoever.  My roommate Angela and I were originally going to be Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick (guess which straw I drew...) but the trip happened so quickly that I decided to be Marilyn Monroe.  I think this is the first time I have ever been anything that you can buy at Spirit Halloween Store or any Halloween store for that matter.  My mom might disown me.

I like to believe I pulled the costume off well, but I was consistently getting "Anna-Nicole" shouts from across the streets.  Now, I think Anna Nicole Smith had some good points in her life but I'm pretty sure those things aren't what she is recognized for.  I don't know about you but the first things that come to mind for me are TrimSpa, Larry Birkhead, and the fact that she is DEAD.... I'm sure they meant well though... um... yeah, I'm sure they did.

Anyways, to distract you guys from the fact that my Charlize Theron in Monster/Scott Disick costume didn't quite work out, I thought I would highlight 20 of my roommate Meghan's top costumes over the years.   She is single and on the market so please send all boyfriend/date night/casual sex applications to danika.brysha@gmail.com.

Just so you know, this is what she looks like in real life....

1. Colonel Sanders

2.  Santa Claus

3. Nacho Libre

4. Elephant with complete with Beer Bong Trunk- Meg is all about practicality

5.  Marie Antoinette

6. Da Bears

7. Charlie Chaplin

8. Bjork

9. Mexican

10. Kung Fu Panda

11. Christina Aguilera

12.  I don't even know what this is other than creepy

13. Michael Jackson (RIP)

14. Shirley Temple-  Considering Meghan aged about 15 times slower than the rest of us I'm assuming she was about 27 when this picture was taken

15. Man-  She probably got laid this night...

16. Prostitute Innocent Hawaiian Hula Girl

17. Zombie

18. Cupid... This must've been during her sorority days

19.  Centaur-  completely homemade might I add  (sorry for the darkness... this was last night so we don't have a great image yet)

20. And last but certainly not least, one of this years award winners... George Costanza

I'm assuming at this point you probably want to come over.  Good news.  We have decided to throw a Quinceanera.  You have about a month to pic up a neon rhinestone encrusted poof dress or matching neon striped tie/pocket square combo and to find an amigo guapo.

Until next time...

The OK Cupid Experiment

(Originally published: October 29, 2010)

My friend Ben from work always tells me really funny stories about the dates he goes on with major creep statusers from OkCupid.  I thought I would take it upon myself to find true love and joined the site.  (okcupid.com... lots of gems)  I made a profile and posted the below pictures that I thought I looked the prettiest in so I could get the best caliber of men.  Boy was I right.  They had a lot of good things to say and since inner beauty is what counts, I knew they were in it for the long haul.

My profile was rather short.  I hit a few key points in my life that you all should know about me.  To sum it up, I said I worked on a TV show, I like to snowboard, I love sushi and sandwiches, and that I have a GREAT smile.

I felt like the Keebler Elf and jumped with joy when I received many new messages from single men in the Los Angeles Area.  Most of them really knew how to woo a woman of my stature and I was certain I would find my life partner like Ellen and Portia.

Below are some of my favorite messages I've received....

1. "I don't think I can sleep tonight, unless I can kiss you goodnight!"
2. "wow. you're gorgeous. do u like tall men with large italian cocks? i only ask because i'm 6ft3 and i own and over-sized chicken farm in rome."
3. Subject: Yep. "Definitely your smile."
4. Subject: Cucumber "You're cute. BUT  Are you cool as a cucumber? It's a must. ;)"
5. "Your smiling is stunning!!!!" **My Smiling, Huh?  Good to know**
6. "Danika, I'd love to talk to you and take it from there. If we were at a bar I'd buy you a shot of tequila, because that's an awesome way to roll and ask if you'd want to go to a Laker game with me sometime"  **I'm actually considering calling him.  I like how he just gets to the point**
7. Subject:  I'm on a Horse:  "ahah just letting you know you were one of my matches and you seemed interesting! I love that you're ambitious about making movies. Have you made any of your own yet? I hope that didn't sound too creepy..." **.... So tell me, where does the horse come in?"
8. Subject: Sail Away With Me  "We can go to Greece where I'll become an emperor and you can come and bring me grapes. Or we can become pirates and have an excuse to get drunk all day and steal things." **This is just weird**
9. "I haven't talked to you in a long time. How have you been? : )" **I'll admit.  I fell for this one.  I don't know this guy.  He wanted me to think I do.  But I don't.  And now I never will.**
10. **This one's my favorite: (I blocked out the info cause my blog is super famous and I don't want you weirdos contacting my boyfriend)** "You seem like an fun and interesting person I would love to chat with you, hit me up 310.XXX.3394 and my BBM is 30EEXX1. If you have AIM add me PhaXXneusa is my ID and for MSN nicXX100@comcast.net/Facebook it is nicXXX44@gmail.com.  Have a great weekend!  **I love a guy who plays hard to get**

Here is where the experiment comes in.

Because I am a big believer in true love, I decided to post some new pictures of myself to keep the messages flowing in.  I deleted the prior ones I had, and posted these new ones below...

And I waited...

Eureka! Finally my prince charming responded.  Here is what he had to say...

"Hey I think your pretty awesome and I was just wondering what your thoughts were on casual sex??"

I think he is the one and he seems to really know what I'm looking for in a man.  I'll let you guys know how everything works out.  Keep a look out for a change in my Facebook relationship status.

P.S.  About 30 minutes after I changed my pictures from Exhibit A to Exhibit B I got this email...

The Interns at OkCupid voted me GOOD-LOOKING!! I'm going to hang this on my fridge.

The Office Bathroom

(Originally published: October 28, 2010)

I have to bring to the surface something that is having a large and critical effect on my everyday life.  You may deal with this too in many situations.

Maybe it’s a silent hallway while visiting your therapist.  Maybe you’re visiting the in-laws and they made you share a bedroom with great Uncle Chad.  Maybe you met a nice chap at Drais’ Hollywood last night, proceeded to eat mashed potatoes covered in teriyaki when you were drunk, and woke up to a quaint studio apartment with one of those glass bathroom doors that show an elegant tan-ish silhouette of any bodily gesture you may make while in there…. Or maybe you work in my office.

Which brings me to the point.

The women’s restroom at my work is located down a long hall, just far enough from the quiet open-doored offices to wonder if they can hear what I had for lunch.  There are only two stalls, one sink, and usually about 3-7 cockroaches at a time.

Every time I exit, I look around to see if anyone is staring at me.  If not… all good.  I’ve always wondered what the people in the office right across from the bathrooms know about each co-worker’s bowels.  It’s almost as powerful as the woman who sits across from the office kitchen door and sees how many times you enter and exit, and the exact amount of time you spend in there “stocking the fridge”.

Regardless, I found that there are a few common trends amongst people and their office bathroom habits.  Now, keep in mind that the office bathroom is not extremely different from your average roommate bathroom, sorority bathroom, or Costco bathroom;  but I have found that it really takes the cake on evoking strategic basic human behaviors.

Here are a few of my favorite things about the office john...

-       Everyone loves a good cup-o-joe in the A.M. but not everyone plans for the office bathroom Coffee Rush.  It is that moment of the day, around 10:50am that everyone has finished their coffee and takes a little more notice of the amount of people at their desks and tries to put together a ratio of how many people could possibly be in the bathroom at that given time.  If it looks like a lot of people are present at their desks that gives you the go ahead to make your moves.  Best of luck this morning.  (Round 2 tends to happen around 1:35pm after lunch has digested)

-       Another favorite is when you walk into the bathroom and your boss follows right behind.  It is this weird hierarchy where you want to let her have the handicapped stall or something a little more significant but you also realize that you happen to be a human being of the same, if not better caliber.  It also is an opportunity to have one of the longest conversations you will ever be allowed to have with your boss and you’ll usually talk about what you ate that got you into this “unfamiliar” bathroom circumstance.  “What?  My boss goes to the bathroom too?  We’re not so different after all.”

-       One of the best office bathroom quotes I got last week while quietly sitting was a voice from the right stall:  “Are those Danika’s shoes?”…

Well yes, yes they are.  Was it the size 11 that gave it away?  This was followed by some information on why your bladder gets smaller after giving birth.  I don’t have kids.  I don’t even have a sex life.

- Now, my favorite thing is when you’ve come in, checked both stalls (you’re on your own, awesome) and just as you sit down, you hear the creak of the door.  Here’s where the quick thinking comes in.   You have one of two choices…

1. Pretend you already went and fiddle with the toilet paper dispenser a little bit.  Pull up your pants, flush the toilet dramatically, and unlock the door with vigor.  Do a small “Heyyyyy” when you cross paths and be sure to wash your hands long enough to believe you used soap.  You don’t want to be that guy who doesn’t wash their hands, even if in reality that is precisely you.
2. Dance your feet around a bit so that they are aware you are in there, kinda like a “heads up, don’t fully let loose cause I’m in here and will be the whole time you are”.  Follow this with sitting in absolute silence until they are finished.  DO NOT give away any tips as to who the mystery woman behind door A is.  (It also helps not to wear green converse or gold sequin stilettos that can be easily identified later while making copies)

-       And last but certainly not least:  The default/forced hand wash...

• Scenario:  You clench your legs together and waddle to the bathroom after eating a little too much sour cream on that Chipotle Burrito Bowl.  You know things are about to get messy so you pretend you are in the American speed-walking championships.  You make it to the bano and low and behold… the god damn accountant from Suite 15C is lingering like she’s in a Jacuzzi tub.  You have no choice.   You further clench and head to the sink.  Pump the soap like a dry keg.  Splash around some water and check your teeth.  Pull out an environmentally unconscious amount of paper towels and be on your way.  You just needed to wash your hands anyways.

P.S.  We’re having Indian food for lunch today.  My Choice.

Jenny P's Health Tips

(Originally published: October 26, 2010)

My friend Jennifer does this thing all the time where she likes to grace us with some essential health tips for living life to the fullest.

All this coming from the girl who tried the Master Cleanse, hid in the aisles of a Barstow, CA truck stop, and rapidly threw back Nacho Cheese Doritos in secret so the others wouldn't know.  She admitted it about a year later.  Maybe it's the only child in her.

Listed below are a few key points I have gathered over time and I feel 100% confident putting them in quotation marks.

1. "You could honestly eat anything at breakfast time.  Even cake.  Like honestly.  Cause you burn it all off by nighttime."
2. "Seriously, as long as you don't eat after 6pm you can literally eat anything."
3. "When I played soccer, I ate a full bag of Goldfish a day. But seriously, all you have to do is walk a little more and you could eat like whatever you want."
4. "Just don't eat carbs after 5."
5. "I'm not gonna wake up to workout anymore cause you just lose weight if you sleep a lot more."
6. Eat every 5 hours, ANYTHING you want, like as long as it's small..... I mean, eat every 2.5 hours..."
7. "Do not eat salad dressing on your salads.  It's all fattening no matter what they say."
8. "If you are hungry before bed just have a bite of something.  Then you won't wake up hungry."
9. "People who drink wine like lose more weight because they like aren't stressed."
10. "Don't eat sauce.  Eat anything else."

Thank God She's Pretty

Things Gisele Bundchen and I Have in Common

(Originally published: October 25, 2010)

I was staring at myself in the bathroom mirror at work and suddenly realized that Giselle Bundchen and I have A LOT in common.

Below are some of the most prominent and obvious similarities

#1.  She is a Supermodel.  I am (occasionally rarely) a Plus-Size Model.

#2.  She is married to an NFL quarterback.  I once made out with an unnamed NFL quarterback.

#3.  She is from Brazil.  I went to Brazil one time and stepped on a Red Ant Hill

#4. After I stepped on the Brazilian Ant Hill I went to wash off my bare foot and stepped in dog feces.  Gisele has dogs.

#5. She models for Victoria’s Secret.  I like to order clothes from Victoria’s secret because they run big and make me feel thinner.

#6.  She models for Christian Dior.  I model for Indian Taxi-Bicycles.

#7.  She likes Louis Vuitton bags.  My friend Kayley has a Louis Vuitton bag and I'm pretty sure my mom has an LV wallet insert.

#8.  She has a baby named Ben.  When I was in 5th grade I watched Ben Affleck in "The Voyage of the Mimi".

Ok, cool.  I think I covered all the bases.