Sunday Worship: Amazon Prime

I have to let you in on a little secret.  Now, this is a bold statement, but it is true... you are not living until you have Amazon Prime!  It has a lot of perks but what it mainly means is that you can basically order almost anything from Amazon.com with free 2-day shipping.  It brings my level of laziness to a whole new category and I couldn't be prouder.  Bodywash... Prime.  Tootsie Pops... Prime.  Mary-Kate and Ashley's "Billboard Dad" collectors addition?... you got it... Prime.

Let me tell you how I really feel...

Sunday Worship: Sriracha

These days, the words "Hot" and "Spicy" are adjectives I'm unfortunately not using often. But while they may be missing from my Match.com inbox, they have certainly found their way back into my life via scrambled eggs, poultry, and on certain occasions my body.  Who is this mystery man?  Oh, just my good friend Sriracha... you know, with the silent "r".  So chic.

To that red, firecracker

Hot chili paste on my tongue

Pour too much on everything

But the damage has been done

 

You deliver me the perfect spice

An addiction I can’t stop

The excitement spreads across my face

As I twist open that green top

 

Perfect during breakfast time

For lunch, dinner, or  just grazin’

The way your spices make me feel

Makes me think  I’m partly Asian

 

You taste so good with everything

You’re a true “anytime” food booster

So grab that sauce for that salad tossed

And shake up that little rooster

 

Pour it all over my body please

Some may call me a binger

I’d even lather my hair in that stuff

Even if it meant identifying as a ginger

 

So to all the people of the world

It's time to spice up your life

Every dentist, child, gerbil and squirrel 

Grab your lover and maybe your wife

 

It's the new sugar between neighbors

“You ran out?... Oh I’ve gotcha”

Bringing nations together

With the burning sensation of Sriracha

  

Sunday Worship: Novocaine

It's that time again.  Time to reflect on the blessings of the week.  And I thought... Why not spice things up a bit?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you this FREESTYLE (music video if you will) on why I am most thankful for Novocaine this week.

Sunday Worship: Costco

I'm not entirely certain when my obsession with that big, strong, warehouse of passion began but what I am sure of is that it is a mutual relationship that will most likely last forever... Or at least until my dad decides to stop paying my membership fees.   Regardless, Costco is something I can always count on.   Whether I need cheap liquor, a seasons worth of Tampax Pearl, or a new 72" flat screen that I will most definitely return after Super Bowl Sunday (or the new season of Toddlers and Tiaras), Costco always has whatever it is I need to fill an insatiable desire.  I definitely wouldn't be the woman I am today without it, that's for sure!

 

Ever since I was a child

Not too long ago

I’ve had a budding relationship

With a place called Costco

 

I got this passion from my father

For bulk items and great sales

He passed down his wisdom and knowledge

And his ingrown toenails

 

But I can forgive him for those

Because he’s so big and mature

While others learned to play T-ball

I was taught about Kirkland Signature

 

Whenever the time comes

And I need more toilet paper by the bunch

Eight new tubes of toothpaste

And three barrels of Captain Crunch…

 

I pick up my supersized cart

And flash my executive membership card

I am a master Costcoteer

For any beginner it'd be hard

 

Now, I first test out the speakers

The selection quite ample

I dance to the rhythms

Until I spot a free sample

 

Navigating the madness

Takes sharp skill and intention

I always start in the back corner

And shop the opposite direction

 

From the first bouncer to the check out

I feel so much joy I could cry

They swipe my AmEx and thank me

And I wave to the optometry guy

 

With a smile and name badge

They check my receipt at the door

I start heading to my car

But I get caught up in the lure...

 

Of the infamous food court

With frozen yogurt piled high

Huge slices of pizza

And hot dogs as large as my thigh

 

What a wonderful afternoon

At a place I hold in such high regard 

If Costco was a man, I would date him

I’d bring my milkshake to his yard

 

AMEN.

Sunday Worship: Instagram

I've always been overly obsessed with the Iphone but when they went ahead and pulled this Instagram business out of nowhere, I knew my loyalty could never falter.  My friend Jenny told me I HAD to download it and since she is always full of truth, I followed her orders.  I'm especially grateful for it today because it has a way of making my life look much cooler than it actually is.  Currently, it is 3pm on a Sunday.  I am covered in Spray Tan and am wearing a full grey sweatsuit and a red pair of socks I got for free during a flight on Virgin Atlantic.   You ain't gonna find that magic on Instagram.  Or are you...

For those of you with a Nokia phone or who are not familiar with Instagram's capabilities, here's an example of what it can do.  You simply upload a photo of yourself, choose a filter, and VOILA!...

So to Instagram, I write this hymn...

I woke up this morning

Feeling a little bit rough

I've got to keep up my image

but today it's gonna be tough

 

All my followers are waiting

As they scroll through their feed

Photos of babies, vacations,

And quotes of how to succeed

 

But how can I contribute

When I'm doing nothing at all

but watching Dr. Phil reruns

Waiting for someone to call?

 

Thats when a lightbulb flashed on

I knew just what I should do

My mom said anything is possible

When you have X Pro II

 

I found a great old photo

With nice makeup and hair

But... wait...SH*DFJKHL*ADSLK*JDHI!!!!

It won't fit in the square!

 

So on to option B

It's sure as hell to be a winner

So without further adieu

Here's what I'm having for dinner...

 

AMEN

 

*And if you want to follow me on Instagram and see tons of pictures of how glamorous and exciting my life is, my name is @danikabrysha 

 

 

 

 

Sunday Worship: Ferrari Clothing

Sunday is the Lord's day.  A day to give back and be thankful for those things in life that we truly appreciate.   So what better time is there to write a hymn about something I truly worship?

This week I have been especially thankful for men who wear Ferrari Brand clothing...

To Juan:

It was another night out,

bored with men at the bars

But then I saw the passion in your eyes

for dollar bills and fast cars

 

You approached me so sultry,

Never seen a man so bold

And then like a sign from above,

I saw that emblem in Gold

 

The way that Ferrari logo laid

ever so gently across your pec,

You clearly had drive and true passion,

and a large pay check

 

We talked about cars,

I told you about my 92' Suburban

You quickly changed the subject

to your cousin who's Persian

 

You were so modest the whole time,

I probably sounded like a brat

And without further adieu,

you slipped on a matching red hat

 

We talked about driving down the coast,

and how much you loved Cali'

Images of love flashed through my head,

like when Harry met Sally

 

So I chugged that shot of Smirnoff

and finished your beer

"It's time to bump and grind,

lets get out of here"

 

You paid the valet ticket,

as I knew you could afford

And then out of nowhere I saw it...

your Honda Accord!

 

As they handed you your keychain,

with a lanyard that said "Juan"

I realized I too could have that shirt,

for $18.93 here on Amazon

 

Amen.