Sunday Worship: Sriracha

These days, the words "Hot" and "Spicy" are adjectives I'm unfortunately not using often. But while they may be missing from my Match.com inbox, they have certainly found their way back into my life via scrambled eggs, poultry, and on certain occasions my body.  Who is this mystery man?  Oh, just my good friend Sriracha... you know, with the silent "r".  So chic.

To that red, firecracker

Hot chili paste on my tongue

Pour too much on everything

But the damage has been done

 

You deliver me the perfect spice

An addiction I can’t stop

The excitement spreads across my face

As I twist open that green top

 

Perfect during breakfast time

For lunch, dinner, or  just grazin’

The way your spices make me feel

Makes me think  I’m partly Asian

 

You taste so good with everything

You’re a true “anytime” food booster

So grab that sauce for that salad tossed

And shake up that little rooster

 

Pour it all over my body please

Some may call me a binger

I’d even lather my hair in that stuff

Even if it meant identifying as a ginger

 

So to all the people of the world

It's time to spice up your life

Every dentist, child, gerbil and squirrel 

Grab your lover and maybe your wife

 

It's the new sugar between neighbors

“You ran out?... Oh I’ve gotcha”

Bringing nations together

With the burning sensation of Sriracha

  

Sunday Worship: Novocaine

It's that time again.  Time to reflect on the blessings of the week.  And I thought... Why not spice things up a bit?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you this FREESTYLE (music video if you will) on why I am most thankful for Novocaine this week.

Sunday Worship: Costco

I'm not entirely certain when my obsession with that big, strong, warehouse of passion began but what I am sure of is that it is a mutual relationship that will most likely last forever... Or at least until my dad decides to stop paying my membership fees.   Regardless, Costco is something I can always count on.   Whether I need cheap liquor, a seasons worth of Tampax Pearl, or a new 72" flat screen that I will most definitely return after Super Bowl Sunday (or the new season of Toddlers and Tiaras), Costco always has whatever it is I need to fill an insatiable desire.  I definitely wouldn't be the woman I am today without it, that's for sure!

 

Ever since I was a child

Not too long ago

I’ve had a budding relationship

With a place called Costco

 

I got this passion from my father

For bulk items and great sales

He passed down his wisdom and knowledge

And his ingrown toenails

 

But I can forgive him for those

Because he’s so big and mature

While others learned to play T-ball

I was taught about Kirkland Signature

 

Whenever the time comes

And I need more toilet paper by the bunch

Eight new tubes of toothpaste

And three barrels of Captain Crunch…

 

I pick up my supersized cart

And flash my executive membership card

I am a master Costcoteer

For any beginner it'd be hard

 

Now, I first test out the speakers

The selection quite ample

I dance to the rhythms

Until I spot a free sample

 

Navigating the madness

Takes sharp skill and intention

I always start in the back corner

And shop the opposite direction

 

From the first bouncer to the check out

I feel so much joy I could cry

They swipe my AmEx and thank me

And I wave to the optometry guy

 

With a smile and name badge

They check my receipt at the door

I start heading to my car

But I get caught up in the lure...

 

Of the infamous food court

With frozen yogurt piled high

Huge slices of pizza

And hot dogs as large as my thigh

 

What a wonderful afternoon

At a place I hold in such high regard 

If Costco was a man, I would date him

I’d bring my milkshake to his yard

 

AMEN.

Sunday Worship- Spanx

At some point in the last couple years I graduated from one pair of nude colored, shorts-style Spanx to having a drawer of them fuller than the one holding my padded bras and sorority T-shirts.  Some people go to a therapist to keep themselves in order and feel their best... I wear Spanx.  Please join me in saying a hymn for one of the saints in my life...

Dear Spanx:

I can't thank you enough

Without you I'd be a mess

I'm reminded of your beauty

In my bodycon dress 

 

I would do anything for your love

Like a fraternity pledger

People are starting to catch on

Like Lululemon and Herve Leger 

 

But no one can replace you

How you look at me is so cute

And I love those little hot pockets

You leave loosely for my glutes

 

Celebs even love you

Think of all those hot bodies you wrap

Like Kim, Eva, and Beyonce

And that girl from Parent Trap

 

My days can be challenging

But you make life so worth living

I can binge eat Chipotle

And you're still so forgiving

 

So I stayed home from the gym

Eating Doritos on the couch

But you didn't hold it against me

And still smoothed my belly pouch

 

When I last checked your site

I just couldn't believe it

You now make Spanx for Men!

I'm sure he really needs it

 

 

You suck everything in tightly

And make a perfect package out of me

Like those genius Vacuum Bags

I always see on QVC

 

When I have to look sexy,

You're somebody I can rely on

It's the most love I've ever felt

For a blend of Lycra and Nylon

 

So here in conclusion

From my perfectly shaped thigh

Keep up all the hard work

You're a hell of a guy!

 

Amen.

Sunday Worship: Ferrari Clothing

Sunday is the Lord's day.  A day to give back and be thankful for those things in life that we truly appreciate.   So what better time is there to write a hymn about something I truly worship?

This week I have been especially thankful for men who wear Ferrari Brand clothing...

To Juan:

It was another night out,

bored with men at the bars

But then I saw the passion in your eyes

for dollar bills and fast cars

 

You approached me so sultry,

Never seen a man so bold

And then like a sign from above,

I saw that emblem in Gold

 

The way that Ferrari logo laid

ever so gently across your pec,

You clearly had drive and true passion,

and a large pay check

 

We talked about cars,

I told you about my 92' Suburban

You quickly changed the subject

to your cousin who's Persian

 

You were so modest the whole time,

I probably sounded like a brat

And without further adieu,

you slipped on a matching red hat

 

We talked about driving down the coast,

and how much you loved Cali'

Images of love flashed through my head,

like when Harry met Sally

 

So I chugged that shot of Smirnoff

and finished your beer

"It's time to bump and grind,

lets get out of here"

 

You paid the valet ticket,

as I knew you could afford

And then out of nowhere I saw it...

your Honda Accord!

 

As they handed you your keychain,

with a lanyard that said "Juan"

I realized I too could have that shirt,

for $18.93 here on Amazon

 

Amen.