Hit Me On My Celly

(Originally published: November 12, 2010)

Don't get me wrong.  I am very happy to live in a time when we have cell phones.  I constantly find myself reflecting on the days when, if in an emergency, I was picked up from Catholic Church Day Camp by my friend Annie's mom's minivan rather than our own white Dodge, Annie's mother had to know the secret password before I got in.  I get in more strangers cars today on the corner of Sunset and La Brea than I ever did as a child.  If you are 18 years old, Persian, and driving your parents Bentley, it is a sure fire way to get me in the vehicle and take me to whatever destination you please.  I'm going off on a tangent though...

There are a lot of cell phone issues that everyone experiences but no one talks about openly.  Gone are the days when the one kid at your private school had a Nokia and you could borrow it to check up on the status of your stay-at-home mother.   Gone are the days when I wouldn't notice if you picked me up an hour late from my International Club Meeting because I was too busy beating my high score on Snake.

Anyways, here are just a few things I've picked up in my last 8 years of having cell phone service...

1. ENDING THE CALL: No matter what I do or how hard I try to not be socially awkward, every single time I hang up a phone call with somebody it is uncomfortable.  Even if we talk on the phone everyday, it is that final moment where we both say "Ok, yeah, alright, sounds good, talk to you soon, ok, haha, laugh out loud, i love you, bye" that gets me every time.  You cannot NOT interrupt each other.

2. BLUETOOTHS (BLUETEETH?): There was a period of about 11 months recently where people insisted on wearing their bluetooth ear pieces out in public settings.  Mostly men but in some cases a female strolled into the elevator with the apparatus.  My friend Rick used to wear his around in college like he had a lot of business calls to take.  He's really hot so I forgive him for it but it's really not acceptable.  My favorite is when you see seemingly homeless people with bluetooth's in their ear.  I don't know if they are trying to trick me into thinking they have a marketing meeting with Google at 3:00 or if they just flat out stole it. Regardless, it just isn't that cool.  Also, people may think you are talking to yourself, or worse; you could appear through your semi-tinted Mini SUV window to be quietly singing Evanescence to yourself while eating a Yoshinoya Beef Bowl.

3. FAKE PHONE CALL:  You have all done this.  I know you have. You're headed into Trader Joe's on a warm happy day.  You're feeling good since you just listened to Jason Derulo's "Ridin' Solo" on repeat for the last 30 minutes.  Then you see them.  Clipboard and a Smile.  You're still about 5 yards away and you can hear them talking about battered women, legalizing marijuana, and homeless children.  You have to act quickly. You pull out your cell and put it to your ear.  "Hello".... "Yeah"... (silence).  Just keep holding the phone there.  They'll never know.  Don't release until you get to the Hummus section.  All Good!  Interesting how that same person calls right back when you're on your way out...

4. SILENCE:  I really don't do well with silence.  Especially in conversations.  I'm also not a very big chatting on the phone kinda gal.  I expect all phone conversations to come with a direct purpose and then end as soon as possible.  I've noticed recently, as I have been talking to men about a decade older than me, that they like to take that mature step above texting and use an actual phone call to get to know one another.  That's the problem though.  There is no warning.  I am caught off guard, and considering we don't know each other we don't really have a ton to discuss.  Enter the silence. .......(Me): "Soooooooooo..... Yeah... Well thanks for calling"  (Guy): yeah... (me): so I guess we'll talk soon... (Guy): yeah... [Now is when you reference #1 above]

5. THE "IS MY PHONE BROKEN?":  This is that occasional time when you really have to question your social standing and friendships.  You're going along with your day as usual.  You hit Starbucks on your way into work and you've just updated your facebook status about how hard kickboxing was this morning.  You shoot a text to about 8 of your closest friends.  Some about the Argentinean guy whose house you spent the night at last night, some notifying your friend to get on ichat for the day, and other's talking about how hot your boss looks in plaid.  Then...a couple minutes pass.  Nothing.  5 Minutes pass.  Then 10.  Then it hits you.  Your initial thought... "Is my phone broken?".  "There is absolutely no way that not one of these 8 people are answering my texts".  "Maybe I don't have service in this room".  "It's just weird cause I always have service in this room".  After the initial thought process you have two options.  You could contact your phone carrier but that would take really long and your phone is probably "broken".  AH HA!! You text that ONE person that you KNOW by default will always text you back ASAP.  You put this to the test and immediately receive back a witty comment from SuperTexter Caitlin H.  You are happy she replied.  You knew she would.  It must be all your other friends who have broken phones.  How Ghetto.