Finishing What We Start

MY FEBRUARY WRITING CHALLENGE: DAY 6 OF 28

Is the writing I’m putting out during this month-long writing challenge my best possible work. No. Absolutely not. Some feels thought-out, some feels like it’s here to check a box that it got done. But I realized this morning that that’s the point. Because I felt frustration for so long about not sharing my work but I wasn’t sharing my writing because I was waiting for it to be perfect. To finalize, the last draft. And as a result it never got done. I never finished what I started and I have an Evernote full of beautiful yet unfinished pieces, that though deeply inspired in the moment, were never wrapped up and therefore never used of service to anyone but myself. 

This challenge I’ve given myself to share my writing once daily in February has forced me to put my writing out there, even when it isn’t my best. Things that I would have never thought of “publishing” before but that I’ve had to be ok with sharing. And it just dawned on me how synonymous this was with nearly every fearful situation in life. We hit a road block because we have self-doubt and so we keep our message to ourselves. We hold our unique geniuses in because we’re afraid to be judged or we know we can do better. But it’s selfish really, because you’re left feeling like your song is trapped inside of you, and that song is what you’re here to share with everyone else. It’s your gift to them. And so when you don’t share it, perfect or otherwise, your gift is being muted. The person that so desperately needed to see that quote, or hear that song, or read that poetry, or relate with you on the challenges of motherhood, or learn that tool that would have kept them from binge eating 3000 calories alone in the darkness, is left without it.

And for me, I know this... I would normally write this draft like I’m doing here in Evernote now, and then I'd leave it. Leave it for another time when it would get “finished”. Often it would be late at night that I’d come back to it, expecting to be able to go right back to that creative space inside me where the inspiration to write this came from in the first place. But that never happens because it was meant to be finished in that moment. And so as a challenge to myself I will commit to finish what I’ve started with these pieces. To write them in the moment that they are inspired from within me and to share them shortly after. To trust that what is meant to be said, is said from that place of light inside me that felt called to share in that moment. I know the difference between my writing when I’m being and when I’m doing. It’s the very difference between being inspired to do something out of your own will versus being forced to do something out of your own internal pressures or something outside yourself. And with that here it is. No summary. No over-editing. Just sharing. 

Practicing Vulnerability: Journals Unedited

In the last couple months, I have been journaling every day.  I absolutely love to write and when I do, time stands still. It has been the first time that I've been able to really make sense of my thoughts and to truly access that deeper level that has been buried or numbed for so long. Most of my blog posts take fragments from my journal and are edited to suit an audience but every now and then I want to share with you the dialogue that comes straight from my heart.  My journal entries, completely unedited.  Here is what came up this morning...

Date: Friday, April 11th, 2014

Time: 12:30-1:30pm

Location: NYC- Meatpacking District: random table and chair outside Gaslight

I decided to stop and sit in the action of the city to do this morning's journaling.  With the exception of the cigarette smoke that's reaching my health bubble, everything is pretty perfect.  I just had a casting at Milk Studios so I'm looking pretty top notch as well. I like being alone in a big city occasionally.  All sorts of energy passing by as I peacefully sit here and write.

I want to feel like New York is as magical as if I was sitting in the middle of Paris or Barcelona.  And it is!  It can just be hard to recognize when you feel like it isn't going anywhere.  When you live here it is really easy to take for granted the fact that I'm living in the most beautiful part of the most amazing city in the world.  How lucky am I?!

I really don't need much to make me happy.  Getting good sleep, getting up and ready for the day, and getting out into the world is so fulfilling.  What I'm doing right now is what I hope to be doing forever.  And its so great to know just how little I really need to be happy. A journal, a pen, a roof over my head, food to eat, and love and support around me.  I could really make that a reality anywhere.

It's truly a great day in NY.  The first since I've moved here that was really suited to sitting outside and writing.  I have a feeling that Spring will be when I fall madly in love with this place.  As I've been spending more time out and about, meeting people and being present, I'm reminded of how many wonderful people are out in this world.  It's a true shame that we don't get to meet all of them but I trust that the universe brings together the right ones. 

I've been really wanting to be my true, authentic self more lately.  I notice that I still wear a lot of masks and that I want nothing more than to totally strip myself of them in all arenas. The thing is, I know I'm a beautiful, passionate person worth of love and I truly believe that I'd find even more support and much deeper connections if I could just find a way to cut out all the bullshit.  All of the caring what people think, trying to please everyone, and anything I do that suggests I'm trying to be something that I'm not.  I know I'll get there.  I've already come so far and I know it's just a matter of time.  I'm just going to try to be more aware of when I think I may be faking or trying too much and to make some positive shift.

(My friend) Julia is staying with me and she's just so real. So able to be vulnerable and not concern herself with what I think when she tells a story.  She seems to just be really in tune with herself which I admire.  For so long I numbed myself to all my emotions so I can't expect to start feeling and being completely in tune with them right away.  It all takes time.  It's a journey much like mine with food.

I'm beginning to get a lot more comfortable with being hungry.  I've found that now that I've told myself that being hungry is ok, I'm a lot less frantic about the concept.  I can relax and live more, knowing that I don't have to plan every move around my next meal.  Knowing that food will always be there and that I won't starve.  It feels really freeing.  And I think that's gonna be the key to being able to tune out the thinking about food all day thing.  Because when I know its ok to be hungry, I can forget to worry about it and in turn focus on living fully during the remainder of my days.  When its not a constant concern, I'll be able to forget about it- which for me is the ultimate goal. 

To only think of food and eating when my physical body tells me it needs fueling.  That would be a true cure for me.  The goal of all of this.  To take all the power away from food and to view it strictly as fuel. 

Be someone who "forgets to eat" or who finally views eating as another normal daily task like going to the bathroom or sleeping.

Something we think about when our body alerts us to its necessity and that we don't think about when it doesn't. That's how I define being cured from food addiction.  That's the END!

I think I've always had a hard time determining what the goal was.  What to strive for at the very end of all of this.  What I can tell people to expect when they can finally conquer all of this.  Being the kind of person that can have a box of Cheez-Its go stale in the cupboard or find a bag of peanut M&M's that have expired in your pantry.  

And fortunately through all of this I've managed to become super passionate about health and nutrition as well.  Thinking for so long that they were two completely related concepts but really they're quite different.  I'm glad my comfort eating led me to thinking nutrition was the answer because though I'm realizing that it isn't, I managed to gain an extreme love and passion for quality, real, whole foods in this process of self-discovery.  And that is truly invaluable!

Danika

MONDivation

Lately I have been even happier than usual and I am almost positive that part of the reason for this is that I have been using my blog as a creative outlet.  I have been making a lot of my ideas come to life and have been noticing along the way that it brings me so much happiness to do so.

I put off launching my blog for a while.  I was so focused on quality and putting out the "perfect" content, that it ultimately hindered me from doing anything at all.  I changed my thinking and instead went into this telling myself that it didn't matter if nobody was reading what I posted, that it was a great creative outlet for me and to value it for that first and foremost.  I don't think I realized just how important that was or how much joy it would bring me, but I am certainly realizing it now.

If I can bring some of my strange ideas to life and make people laugh (at or with me, no preference) then I have achieved one of my greatest personal joys.  Making this weeks Sunday Worship video about Flamin' Hot Cheetos was a huge task but I cannot begin to explain the amount of happiness I felt when it was all said and done and I could share my creativity with those around me.  Please check it out if you need a good laugh!

http://danikabrysha.com/sunday-worship-flamin-hot-cheetos/

Have an inspired and creative week!